Today is one of those days where self-doubt is heightened and social interactions minimal, unless you count the internet. What happened to bring forth this isn’t of much importance, because these things happen often. The point is, they bring out the worst fear in me : of the future.
Whenever something happens which makes me doubt that things would be smooth in the near and distant future, I feel helpless and restless. I am not kidding myself, I know we can’t predict the future. But one needs the guarantee of certain basic things staying as they are, and when I don’t get it, I become fidgety, and eventually sad.
I guess that the root of my discomfort lies in the fact that I’ve always wanted balance and that everyone ought to be reasonably happy, or at least, not sad due to my actions. But today, there is a forced realization, that somewhere, due to some decisions, some people might get hurt. What matters is the trade off : what has been compromised for what.
As time passes, my priorities will become clear. I will know what I want more, and what I’m willing to let go. And there will be discomfort, like the one I’m experiencing right now, as the resistance is wearing me out. But the point, I guess, is to not give up, because eventually, that’s the only strategy that works.
Although this realization doesn’t exactly lift my spirits, it cleared some things in my head, and that’s a start. For now, I will take a day off from people and my duties towards them, spend it with books and paints maybe, and hope that tomorrow, they, or the circumstances are less disappointing.