Why ‘men will be men’ is most damaging to men.

April 7, 2015 at 6:38 pm (Opinions) (, , , , , , , )

So, if you google ‘men will be men’, you will find a million memes, videos and images that reduce men to sex boxes. Thanks to Imperial Blue’s ad campaign, this is reinforced all the more.

In the typical ad by this company, men are pretending to be fitter because they can only thinking of deceiving a person into sex when they see a woman, or they will ‘protectively’ keep a hand on the shoulder of their wives/ girlfriends to show another male that his is better, or at least he has one.

Apparently, men have the egos of five year olds and the mating rules of the animal kingdom.

I disagree.

I have had the most moving emotional conversations with some male friends of mine. Others have given me great intellectual insights. Still others, have engaged in philosophical debates with me, enriching me all the more with it.

My guy friends are good friends who are there for me, they are good at what they do, they are good at their hobbies, and they are great people.

I refuse to think that their brains do not function beyond sex, gaming and sports.

Most human beings think about sex. It’s normal. No need to make it a man’s domain. And women also like gaming and sports. And there are men who do not like gaming and sports. And even if they do, they do not suck at balancing their emotional lives along with their interests.

Although it is very convenient to want to say ‘men will be men’ for certain stereotypical male behaviour, it is damaging in the long term because it portrays men as some sort of one dimensional, unfeeling, sex boxes. They are so much more. This kind of understanding about how men are and supposed to be, is what reduces the chances of sexual abuse and rape against boys and men being reported, this increases the likelihood of domestic violence on men, as well as makes it possible to misuse women protection laws because men are always seen as perpetrators and strong – they can never be victims. If a person is craving sex all the time, of course they can’t be raped – this thinking is encouraged.

This kind of thinking makes bullying and ragging look like rites of passage and young boys growing up not reporting horrendous acts of violence because you are supposed to ‘take it like a man’.

It makes it very difficult for men to have fulfilling romantic relationships.

Lastly, it reduces women to one-dimensional beings who do not like their male partners to be involved in sports and hobbies and play hard to get. Redundant crap.

After so many years on this planet, we as people certainly have more depth than being the one dimensional man and woman. Even cave-people did.

It’s easy to use ‘men will be men’ to justify something you or your friend did, but it is not very different from when women are offered privileges due to patriarchy (date bills paid by the male partner), and by succumbing to them, women add to the status quo of inequality.

Next time you or someone you know wants to use the above justification, stop yourselves and give yourselves permission to be a complete human, not a one-dimensional sex box.

No, thanks IB.

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A Summer Art Challenge!

April 1, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Uncategorized)

This is the link to my weebly blog, where I will post artworks based on people’s sugestions. I am trying to be enterprising, and though I might sell some, there is free art to earn!



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February 26, 2015 at 9:26 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s been almost two years since I joined TISS as a Masters’ student. The course is about to end. I am not sure if I have really seen the TISS life – since I do not live on campus or even close by. So I have missed out on the hostel/pg stories and the *cough* vibrant night life. But I have been around for my fair share of TISS exposure and I do think I understand its spirit.

When I initially joined, I had put the institute up on a pedestal – because of what I had heard before. However, I have discovered that the place has its own flaws and paradoxes – one of the most glaring ones is how haphazardly masters level research is done by more students than not in a place that prides itself on research and field presence.

Another one was the kind of people I met. I think that just because I met them in TISS, I was expecting a socially conscious and humanitarian person in everyone. That doesn’t happen. Human tendencies are everywhere – in teachers and students. The base emotions of insecurity and jealousy cannot be done away with – even if you are a TISSian.

However, I also know that a lot of what I learnt would not even be accessible to me in a place like Mumbai University. This is not limited to the course content and how it was taught – but the way the two years in this institute have broadened my thinking – to the point that I can no longer have uninformed, one-sided viewpoints or opinions. This was compounded by a training in psychological therapy – which requires further stripping down of your issues and meaning in life – to the point where you are that you know yourself well enough to be secure to enter someone else’s personal psychological world.

I have met a variety of people. I am not going to keep in touch with all of them – but some I am going to treasure. People from diverse walks of life and who amaze you by the amount of good work they have done – as also how humble they are.

However, when I was still a novice, I put these people in some holy light, and would feel really bad if they stopped whatever was required of them professionally to draw out, compartmentalize and have time for themselves. I realize now that it is required – in a field as loaded as ours. You might encounter such grave issues in work that you have to force yourself to stop bothering beyond a point – even if it means drawing up artificial borders. The only difference is, some people still do it better than others and then it hurts less.

I always had a vague dream of ‘giving’ back to the society. Being at TISS has taught me where and how I can concretely do so. It has shown me the gaps where a mental health professional can be useful – community work, policy making, and so on. Even if you follow your ambition and want a comfortable life – it can still be a righteous one.

You learn that giving a fuck about things isn’t something special.It is also nothing which requires a lot of time and effort. But, if everyone did their bit, people who are into slimy stuff would never get away with it as easily as they do. Who can escape a million questions?

I think at the core of it, TISS is a hopeful place. They go all like ‘oh this is a gap in the community? we will create a course to generate professionals and research to understand this better’. And there you are. They are trying to do things their way, and it has its limitations too.

I have probably not lived the proper TISS life, but I think what I’m taking away is the philosophy of it. Being a TISSian is not about the time you spend there, its a way of life.

tiss pics -3

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Riot at the Strand

February 3, 2015 at 7:01 pm (Uncategorized)

Originally posted on Humari Matargashti:

The world has infinite possibilities. Once money enters the equation though, the possibilities suddenly become rather finite – no matter how noble your intentions.

In a hall full of people, Shaja and Maya braved the great unwashed masses, for one thing only – the books in the room outnumbered the people in the room. Yes, they were at the infamous Strand Book Sale. What would eventually become a yearly tradition, it was the second time Shaja and Maya had ventured to the Sale together; Maya to browse, and Shaja to buy. Obviously, Shaja was in a greater dilemma than Maya. Maya, whose Bengali family had a culture of reading, had only to worry about the space that the books would occupy take up, and when she would get around to reading them. Shaja’s family, on the other hand, didn’t really see the point of buying books, unless they were…

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God Is An Accountant

January 27, 2015 at 8:21 am (Opinions) (, , , , )

We can call life as ambiguous and incalculable as we like, but there is someone sitting up there with a lot of time to kill. And what is it going to do to use that time? Keep meticulous accounts of each and every miserable human being there is.

Yes, if you look at a pan-religion concept, ignoring all the differences, then the reason we are ‘supposed’ or ‘not supposed’ to do certain things, is because God is watching.

If you have ever come across posters or billboards on your way to college which go something like this- ‘(Relevant God’s name) is watching over you and has died for your sins!’, then you know what I mean. For someone who is supposedly the creator of the world, it does come across as nothing more than a petty stalker.
So does my mocking mean that I think that we can get away with doing anything and that no one is really there to see it? Well, yes and no. If I am right about believing in a creator, then that entity made everything – which means many planets like ours, and many solar systems and God knows how many galaxies (pun intended).

However, I believe that if at all anything is wrong (not religiously or morally wrong – because that will depend on the religion or moral code you follow) – if anything, any action, is humanely wrong, that the action itself has negativity – negative energy, and the way it makes you feel would – negative thoughts and guilt – is what would be the measure of wrongness you would induce. Those repercussions itself would make sure that you get your due for doing that.

At this point, of course, we can think of many people who get away doing supposedly wrong things. But this is because we determine the start and end points of their story. ‘So and so did not feel any repercussions within 6 months of doing that, so they have gotten away with it’. But who knows what happened afterwards? What pain they had to face?

As I am losing faith in the formal agents and institutions of justice like Law or Religion may be I am latching on to this concept of poetic justice – maybe very closely resembling karma – as something to get me by. I may be deluded.

But tell me, what seems more plausible – that someone up there is maintaining detailed accounts of our actions and will send us to heaven and hell accordingly as well as give us small spankings or blessings while we are on earth – or the fact that the nature of our actions (negative/positive) are what will determine the consequences they bear on us?


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How to: Feminism of convenience.

December 7, 2014 at 3:26 pm (Opinions) (, , , , , , , , )

Many people I talk to, especially men of my age – from academic or social surroundings, have a very negative view of Feminism. They throw around the word ‘Feminazi’ without knowing it’s implications. I know that every woman who swears by this ideology would be fuming, and so would male feminists (yes – they exist). But I do not know if these men can be blamed entirely for their lack of knowledge.

I could fume about them being misinformed, but all of the responsibility does not lie with them. Their bad view of Feminism comes from men and women who have used the ideology to their advantage but have not stood true to the tenants of it. Instead of shaking my head sadly, I could inform them of what the ideology actually is, just like I have to talk to people about what Islam actually is. That is the one thing that has helped to do away with Islamophobia.

And when you talk to them, they tell you their negative brush with feminism or at least, feminism used as an excuse.The examples will vary from women hitting them and getting away with it because of their being women, to asking being let off from work with periods as an excuse. When it comes to splitting the bill on a date, standing for men’s right to emotional expression, or doing their bit towards a social issue or a workplace, the feminism disappears.

What allows for this misuse of the ideology to happen?

At the root of this is the one word we all hate fervently: Patriarchy.

Patriarchy will see men as strong and never in the victim role. This effectively makes sure that men who are victims of domestic violence or rape are never taken seriously. This makes sure that some women and their families misuse the Dowry Prohibition Act (498a) to meet their goal of getting out of a marriage.

In the short run, these people will get what they want or they will silence the victimized men, but it is sad that the women in these situations do not see the ultimate harm they do to other women by misusing feminism and pro-women laws. They do not see that the thousands of suppressed women will lose a chance of being taken seriously, for the few men and women who do not understand the ideology.

The question that follows after I explain that feminism strives for equal rights of men and women, as well as other genders, is – Why call it Feminism then? Why make it sound pro-woman?

Because of the history. When this movement started, women were the oppressed group, and even today, many women remain oppressed.

Which is why it scares me when young men and women either banish the term or misuse it.

So, to clarify, if you say you are a feminist, you CANNOT:

1) Ask a male partner to ‘man up’ when he is emotional, because feminism propogates the right of men to their emotional sides. If you cannot deal with them being emotional, say it’s something you struggle with, but do not call yourself a feminist and banish it.
2) You cannot look down upon grassroot workers, men and women who are trying to better the status of women, because they do not study in lofty universities like you do.
3) You cannot use it to cheat on your partner or keep sexual history hidden, unless you’re okay with receiving the same treatment.
4) You cannot hit ANYONE, unless it is self-defense. In our skewed society, men are struggling to be recognized at victims and get the required help. Do not add to the burden.
5) You cannot make fun of ANYONE. Men, other women, other genders, or people of different sexual orientation. Feminism says that people are equal regardless of gender, age, color, orientation.
6) You cannot criticize people for what they are wearing, it is their choice if they want to wear a burqa, a bikini, or nothing. You have no right to TELL someone they are oppressed. You can inquire.
7) You cannot enjoy the perks of patriarchy when they benefit you, and use feminism as a defense when that benefits you. Make up your mind and stay on one side. At least do not add to the dilution of the ideology.

Patriarchy, with all it’s flaws, may have some temporary benefits. A man might ‘pamper’ his female partner because that is what traditional gender roles would call for. But before anyone takes part in this indulgence, think – You may be getting an expensive wrist-watch in this transaction, but by accepting this state of affairs, what are you doing for the number of men and women, who have and are still suffering due to the restrains of patriarchy.

Yes, patriarchy affects men too. Their right of emotional expression, of being loving and involved parents is taken away. They are taught from childhood to view women as inferior, and they struggle forever to undo this learning, they get crippled in relationships because of always being taught aloofness. They face problems at work because anger has always been encouraged in them. They have to confirm to typically male roles and activities.

Patriarchy is limiting in the long run. Feminism is a way out of it, but if it is used to escape work when you are on your period, rather than demand health expense to find out why you get this pain and what you can do to manage it – it starts to dilute and succumb to misuse.

Regardless of whether you call yourself a feminist or not, regardless of whether you are a woman or not – before you indulge in the perks of patriarchy or use feminism to your convenience and dilute it, think what it will do to the number of people who are still not living in a world as advantageous or liberated as yours and could actually use a progressive ideology to help themselves.

Make up your mind.

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A little shove.

December 5, 2014 at 4:31 pm (Opinions, Random) (, , , , )

Admiration and appreciation often end up becoming the snuff of the psyche. You get such a kick out of it, that you interact with only such people and only to such an extent, that it is only the praise that flows, no critical observations. And while that acts to maintain the cozy bubble you live in and make you feel adequate, it can also leave you stagnated.

I am glad that i recently became close to someone who, though appreciative of my good qualities, has been consistently encouraging me to venture out of my comfort zone. How this is person is different from others, is that I have not doubt that they respect me highly and have my best at heart, and that makes me receptive to the nudges.

I have taken up two things I did not before: a poetry recital, and going to a litfest, alone. I have never really been great at public performance, so the first one is going to be a challenge. And regardless of what the results be, I’d happy that I ventured out. As for the litfest, I would never go for these things as I have an early curfew time at home, and thought the best of stuff happened late evenings. But now I have decided to attend what I can. As can be guessed, I have never been to such events alone either.

It’s quite exciting! I do not know how these experiences will make me feel, but it sure is heady to jump into them. It’s like some part of me that went demure a long time ago, has buzzed to life again. It’s true isn’t it, the best of people bring out the best in you too?

And as they say, the magic happens outside the comfort zone.


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The lines we draw..

October 27, 2014 at 6:33 pm (Uncategorized)

While I sit here sipping my hari chai (Green tea – snigger snigger) and contemplating the complexity of Govinda’s dance moves, I was thinking back to Walter White’s line from Breaking Bad, when he has this conversation on ‘the lines we draw..’ with Hank.

When we are young, the lines are important for our little minds to not get boggled. But they are meant to be discarded or given up as we grow. Most of the times, the lines are so fucking arbitrary! They are probably the product of our parents’ tired minds as we pestered them with questions about why the balloon flies.

Being human of course, we take the dividing nature of a line so seriously, as if we are going to die with it and take it to our graves. We have put people on this side of the line and that.

A traitor and a soldier are differentiated by the thin thread of who they’re working with.

A legal intoxicant (alcohol) and an illegal one, are decided on the basis of how much money the Government can make – and also the black market profits of a ban.

A person will decide their thinness or fatness based on certain millimetres and kgs.

Hell, even sanity and insanity are a number game. 4 out of 9 criteria? Sane. Ooh, 5 out of 9? Sorry, insane.

The stupidest thing is to apply the lines to people. Friends, enemies.. think, who has the potential to hurt you more? Probably a friend, because you trust them that much. Yet, all the energy you put into hating.. that is for a.. wait for it.. enemy!

So Thick. Like a thick line.


Lines have another quality. The quality to continue. Across a page – across pages. Across things, people, and across centuries.

It’s time we grew up to absorb this quality of lines over the former.


Who’s line is it anyway?


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Microscopic, Telescopic and Pedagogic.

September 21, 2014 at 10:22 am (Uncategorized)

It’s been a long time since i updated the blog. The reason for the absence is that I had nothing of consequence to tell, and unlike Kapil (of Comedy Nights fame), i do not believe in yapping away, just for the sake of it. So, then, what was I doing while I was away? I was looking. Looking at different things differently.

Our naked eye, as sensual as that sounds, kinda sorta lacks this very important layer of stuff – called perspective. That stuff needs to be built, often with trial and error. Microscopic viewing tells you about the little things happening around you, that you might not otherwise notice, unless you focus on it. Telescopic viewing will tell you of the things happening far away that you think have no impact on you, but you seen realize otherwise. But neither lenses will tell you if you are standing in the way of a speeding truck. You need your ears for that. You need to turn around. Also, run?

And learn. Don’t use your lenses in the middle of a highway where drunk drivers are going to be on a high.

It’s not only about changing lenses, but learning to use the one that’s most useful at one point. If you believe like I do, that there is no one reality, and its all a matter of mutual construction, then there is no question of right or wrong way of looking at things, just useful and helpful, or otherwise.

Certain events led me to believe that if I did not get surprised or shocked easily, that makes me cold and unemotional. I also believed that if I can’t give great hugs and tell people i feel affection for them, then i’m cold and inexpressive. But i realize that I could be just a more Zen person who takes things as they come. I also realize that I suck at saying but I win at doing. I make things for people. Cakes, bookmarks, paintings. I do them favors.

Had i not switched my lens, I would needlessly try to change a harmless trait.But at the same time, it has shown me the importance of reaching out. In my own way, I need to let people know I care. Why will they reciprocate otherwise?

And, as imperfect as I am, I do have strengths. I can beat myself up for other peoples’ strengths, but that is like wanting to have someone else’s blood type or something. I need to relax. Let Zen takeover. And get the hell out of the way of that truck.

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Hope, the lizard on the wall, and other silly things.

July 31, 2014 at 5:36 pm (Uncategorized)

I want you to imagine a snail. Yes, slicky thing with an oystershell on the back. Yeah. Imagine it moving. Does not happen very fast, does it? That, my friends, is also the pace of change.
And then, imagine this snail as having a rather lazy personality (that IS possible!). I guess Mr. Snail would be even slower now, because they are simply not motivated to move, yes?
THAT, is the pace of social and psychological change.
It’s all very amusing if all the contact you have with causing social or psychological change is getting the government to make international sports brands cheaper or only to the extent of you reading this blog (which is quite likely, because very few nutheads like me choose to work in this field).

But, if, by the divine occurences of chance and the mysterious ways in which our stars work (pretty, but long dead), if, you happen to be a social worker, a mental health professional, or pretty much anything in the array of social science related work, then the news and social media of each day are the source of major facepalming each morning. So much so, that I’m sure my face would have caved in by the time I’m old.

But more facepalming is elicited by these two-legged and two-handed beings that walk around, professing the existence of something between their ears, which, has probably shrunk due to under-utilization – oh yes, fellow beings, people, humans.

The extraordinary stupidity and silence on the part of others we share this planet with is so astounding, that you honestly wonder why they had to make harming others a crime.
And so, you think, ignorance is not a bliss. It’s a fucking high. You just don’t know shit that would make you as angry as Loki (though, not as hot though still).

And then, just as you’re huffing and puffing with anger and releasing bad vibes with the frequency with which our politicians release rape culture promoting comments, you look at something swishing from one end to another. A rather amusing sight. No, I’m not talking about the Hand of Time. That’s best left to Cosmos and Through the Wormhole.

I mean, a fluffy something. My cat’s tail. Actually, both my cats’ tails. There is this window in my sitting room, outside of which there roams a lizard. The daredevil. He comes this close to entering the house and then goes away. He mostly does it to tease the cats. There is no chance that my cats could reach for it. he is away, and fast. The fall outside the window rather steep.

Yet, each day they sit there, swish their tails in excitement as they see him, and often sleep in that watching pose, get up and start their vigil again. They even have lizard dreams. (Related – what is the content of a cat’s unconscious mind?)

But, as i often learn life lessons from my cats (don’t give a shit about haters, claw them),I learnt another – hope. They will probably never catch the lizard. But their excitement makes them try. And they like it. That should be it.

As it is, life is like going to party you were not invited to, or rather a class you go to just for your attendance. But somewhere in between you realize, I might as well participate if I’m here, for the heck of it. Because I’m not anywhere else. If life is just some mega time-pass, might as well go out shrieking happy like a hyena.

So, even though there are women claiming they don’t need feminism on social media (not realizing that this right to opinion comes through the feminist movement) and a chauvinist bigot fighting with me in the comments section of the page try to prove that there is no patriarchy in India (yeah, that. In his words ‘There is no the patriarchy exist in India’), I nod my head and remind myself of all the good things, like The Ugly Indian group cleaning up Bangalore and reclaiming public spaces. I still keep fighting with that guy in the comments section nonetheless.

So, yes, life has idiocy (like oversprinkled salt), but it also has cats. And hope. And both are quite synonymous really.


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